# Funeral for the first wife years later

- Teacher: Ajahn Brahm
- Type: Story
- URL: https://beingmindfulstories.com/stories/brahm-khmer-rouge-first-wife-funeral
- Themes: grief, refugees, funeral, war
- Life situations: deferred mourning, COVID funerals, refugee trauma

## Synopsis (editorial summary)

At a ceremony Ajahn Brahm learns the man's first wife died of malaria just after they escaped the Khmer Rouge into Thailand; as a destitute refugee he could not mourn her properly. Years later, now remarried with permission from her memory, he holds the funeral at last — unfinished business put away.

## The story, as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

Found out afterwards the story was that that was his first wife who he met in the villages. And during the time of the Khmer Rouge, that they were treated badly. And he escaped with his wife. He was one of the few people who managed to find his way over the border into what you thought would be safety in Thailand. But on that journey, you know, which people see in those movies, Killing Fields, he said after they they got to so-called safety, he found that during that journey his wife had contracted malaria fever. And it was so severe that they couldn't keep her alive. He come so close to success on his escape. He made it over the border and his wife made it over the border. But a few days later, she died. And of course, being a refugee with absolutely nothing, and being unable to mourn the death of his wife, even though his wife was there, he could not do anything at the time. He could not perform any ceremonies. He didn't have the means to do that. He waited for about, I don't know, how many years, 5 6 7 years. And he got married in the meantime. He obviously asked permission from his wife. He still had unfinished business with his first wife. The whole ceremony to which I attended was just for that first wife. It was her funeral. It was a time he could say thank you. A time he could let her go. And then go back and join his new wife, his second wife. And put away all that past. It was an occasion when if you cannot perform those funeral services when somebody passes away, especially in some countries now because of COVID, if you can't actually do them now, you can always do them later.

## Teaching point

Rites deferred by trauma or crisis can still be done later; measure a life by more than its ending.

## Reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

A refugee whose first wife died of malaria just after they fled the Khmer Rouge had never been able to mourn her. Years later, remarried, he held her funeral at last and felt free. If you couldn't say goodbye properly, it isn't too late. Remember the whole life, not just its ending.

## Source

- [The Happiest Years of Your Life | Ajahn Brahm | 17 April 2020](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3I_zAh512k) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 28:12 to 30:30: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3I_zAh512k&t=1692s

Other tellings of this story:

- [Death and Grief | Ajahn Brahm | 30 November 2018](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUJDS3nEwOU) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 1:13:32 to 1:14:54: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUJDS3nEwOU&t=4412s