# The three rings of marriage

- Teacher: Ajahn Brahm
- Type: Joke
- URL: https://beingmindfulstories.com/stories/brahm-joke-three-rings-of-marriage
- Themes: marriage, humour, expectations, unconditional love
- Life situations: marriage, weddings, relationship conflict

## Synopsis (editorial summary)

Wedding joke: the three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring — and the suffer-ring. Told here with the audience supplying 'suffering' and him correcting it to 'caring', having 'become more soft in my old age'; with an aside about nudging celebrant Dennis who forgot the rings.

## The story, as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

What are the three rings of marriage? You remember that story? The three rings of marriage. First ring of marriage is the engagement ring. Second ring. Dennis knows this one because he used to be the marriage settlement of the Buddhist society. Did this many times. I even remember once when we did a marriage and we just he was just about to declare the husband and wife uh husbands and wives your marriage is complete. Then I had to nudge him. Do you remember that Dennis? When I nudge you said you forgot to exchange the rings. Oh yes thank [laughter] you. But anyway we did that before you actually declared them husband and wife. So thank you Dennis. But anyway, the second ring of marriage is the wedding ring. And what's the third ring of ma marriage? I can't hear you. You say suffering. No, Dennis. Caring. [laughter] I've changed to become more soft in my old age.

## Teaching point

Marriage hurts when expectations are unrealistic; love a partner as unconditionally as you love a parent.

## Reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

Engagement ring, wedding ring, and the third? The crowd shouts suffer-ring; Ajahn Brahm, grown softer, says caring. Why do we laugh at that joke? Because unrealistic expectations of partners, and of ourselves, make marriage hard. Lower them, and caring becomes far easier than suffering.

## Source

- [Expectations Cause Suffering | Ajahn Brahm | 24 June 2022](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Z8q_FWbWa8) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 14:07 to 15:11: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Z8q_FWbWa8&t=847s

Other tellings of this story:

- [Expectations | Ajahn Brahm | 15 April 2016](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MV0wiAuOqik) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 44:30 to 44:57: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MV0wiAuOqik&t=2670s
- [Checking Your Expectations | Ajahn Brahm | 17 December 2021](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DEK6Ag_0go) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 42:47 to 43:28: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DEK6Ag_0go&t=2567s
- [Virtue and Kindness | Ajahn Brahm | 30 May 2025](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y529kJC6opI) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 36:40 to 38:26: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y529kJC6opI&t=2200s