# The honey and the milk

- Teacher: Ajahn Brahm
- Type: Story
- URL: https://beingmindfulstories.com/stories/brahm-honey-and-milk-stupid-kid
- Themes: identity, speech, parenting, mistakes
- Life situations: parenting, criticising a partner, making mistakes

## Synopsis (editorial summary)

In parallel supermarket checkout aisles, at almost the same moment, one child drops a jar of honey and another drops a carton of milk — two big messes. One mother says, “You stupid kid.” The other says, “That was a stupid thing you did.” One child hears they are stupid; the other hears they did a stupid thing — which was true.

## The story, as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

And this was an example of the two children at the supermarket checkout, they were in parallel lanes. And almost exactly the same time, one child took out a carton of milk from the trolley, and he dropped it on the ground, and it went "splat" all over the floor, making a whole mess. And his mum said, "you stupid child". Almost exactly the same time in the parallel aisle, another child, they picked up the jar of honey. And it was slippy they dropped it. And they went "smash" all over the floor. But that mother, because she must have come to the Buddhist Society in Nollamara. That mother, she didn't say, "you stupid child". She said, "that was a stupid thing you did." And we emphasise the huge difference between those two responses. Now, if you examine it, you call, that's your "stupid child", it's as if they are totally stupid. They're, like, totally sort of corrupt, that when they were made, there must be some genetic malfunction that they are actually stupid. They're permanently stained with stupidity. And that's that first child. And many of you can recognise, such reactions when you make a mistake, and someone calls you stupid, someone calls you dumb. Someone calls you all these things. And what they're saying is, you're fatally flawed. There's nothing worth redeeming in you. And you know what it's like when that happens to you. You feel totally diminished, totally hopeless. You lose all your self esteem and that's no way to bring up a child. The other child received "that was a stupid thing you did". You're not a stupid kid. But, you had a moment of stupidity. And what that means is that you're recognising the truth, that was the sort of a silly thing to do to pick up that jar of honey making it all slippy. But, you're not a stupid person. There's more to you than that.

## Teaching point

Doing a stupid thing doesn't make you a stupid person; be careful what identity your words give others.

## Reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

Two children drop jars in a supermarket. One mother says 'You stupid kid'; the other says 'That was a stupid thing you did'. The second child hears the truth without being labelled. Watch your words with partners and children, and with yourself. You've had moments of stupidity; you are not stupid.

## Source

- [Wisdom and Stupidity | Ajahn Brahm | 04-02-2011](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbOShAIwNJA) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 3:00 to 5:16: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbOShAIwNJA&t=180s

Other tellings of this story:

- [Changing our attitudes to who we think we are | Ajahn Brahm | 17 Jul 2015](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1ldT6MBEP8) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 3:56 to 5:24: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1ldT6MBEP8&t=236s
- [Higher Criticism | Ajahn Brahm | 16-03-2007](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y03ofPco54M) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 31:26 to 31:37: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y03ofPco54M&t=1886s