# “My nose is too big”

- Teacher: Ajahn Brahm
- Type: Story
- URL: https://beingmindfulstories.com/stories/brahm-girl-nose-too-big
- Themes: self-image, fault-finding, body image, depression
- Life situations: teenage body image, low self-esteem, depression, obsessing over a flaw

## Synopsis (editorial summary)

In his first year in Perth a 13-year-old girl, brought by her father after every other psychologist and psychiatrist had failed, finally admits her problem: her nose is too big. Ajahn Brahm 'mentally measures' it and assures her it's average, but she can't accept it. He didn't help her — but she taught him how fault-finding exaggerates.

## The story, as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

I still remember this when I first came to Perth the very first year this thirteen year old girl came to see me. Her father organised a meeting, she wanted counselling, she'd been to all the other psychologists, psychiatrists or whatever in Perth and this was the last resort to go and see a Buddhist monk. They must have been desperate in those days to come see a Buddhist monk. Because we didn't have much of a reputation and I asked her what's your problem and she took a long time to get it out of her cause you know when people really feel they have a big problem and they just don't want to share it with you especially a thirteen or fourteen year old young girl. And eventually I got it out of her. She said, looking down at the floor feeling so embarrassed, she said 'my nose is too big'. Now you know, you girls you know that, you know where she's coming from, that to her every time she looked in the mirror she saw her nose and it was too big. I tried to use like a scientific approach to her problem, you know I mentally I measured her nose and I've seen many noses in my life and I measured it in my mind and I told her, lady that your nose is pretty average. It's not the most beautiful nose, it's certainly not the most ugly nose, its just a nose, it's average ok. But she wouldn't accept that for her it was the biggest problem because it was right in front of her face. I didn't, I didn't actually help her, but she helped me to understand the negativity of fault finding.

## Teaching point

An untrained mind looks for what's wrong and magnifies it; that habit feeds depression.

## Reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

To everyone else her nose was perfectly average; to her it was the biggest thing in the world, because it sat right in front of her face. An untrained mind hunts for what's wrong and magnifies it. When one feature or one failing fills your whole view, step back and ask a kind friend what they actually see.

## Source

- [Depression | Ajahn Brahm | 25-06-2010](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N_jjY7W_fs) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 8:01 to 9:31: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4N_jjY7W_fs&t=481s

Other tellings of this story:

- [Loving our sufferings | Ajahn Brahm | 30 Nov 2012](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uo9-6qQ9tyI) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 23:37 to 24:20: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uo9-6qQ9tyI&t=1417s
- [Finding fault or finding beauty | by Ajahn Brahm | 5 June 2015](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K8ejLdmOK8) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 47:53 to 48:31: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K8ejLdmOK8&t=2873s
- [New Year's Eve (Dhamma Talk, Meditation & Chanting) | Ajahn Brahm | 31 December 2020](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpsBHggU_BY) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 18:28 to 19:39: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpsBHggU_BY&t=1108s
- [Mencintai Penderitaan Kita Sendiri | Ajahn Brahm | 30 Nov 2012](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiGZvMANUgY) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 23:38 to 24:12: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiGZvMANUgY&t=1418s