# 'He's not going' — then 'You go'

- Teacher: Ajahn Brahm
- Type: Story
- URL: https://beingmindfulstories.com/stories/brahm-father-said-no-to-cambridge
- Themes: family, love, sacrifice, class, gratitude
- Life situations: parents and children, leaving home, class barriers to education

## Synopsis (editorial summary)

At a parents' evening when Ajahn Brahm was about 14, his maths teacher told his father the boy was doing so well he might go to Cambridge. His father — a sick man from a poor council-flat family, where boys didn't go to Cambridge — said no, he's not going; they had a standoff that other parents saw and their children reported to him the next day. His father loved him and didn't want to lose him from his world of the pub and football. But one day he said, 'No, you go' — a parent's beautiful sacrifice. He likens it to the film about a Newcastle-area boy who wanted to be a ballet dancer (Billy Elliot).

## The story, as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

I must have been about 14 and that we had you know the parents uh teachers meeting and I remember my math teacher he told my father that I was doing really well at school too well as far as my father was concerned there was a good chance said my math teacher that your son would go to Cambridge university and my father apparently said no he's not going and they had a standoff. I heard this, you know, because all the other uh parents saw this and they told their children, their children told me the following day. They almost had a fight. All it and apparently there was a movie about a young boy in Newcastle who wanted to be a ballet, a ballet star, Billy something or other. But anyway, and apparently there the person who was teaching him saw his talent argu with the father because in that part of I think it was a mining of of a minor and boys don't do ballet in Newcastle and where I came from boys don't go to Cambridge they I don't know what I'm supposed to do but anyway that a but it was wonderful to actually to see that sort of the tension that expecting your son to, you know, be close to you forever in the same social orbit. Being able to go to the pub with him, talk about football and whatever else, you know, people would talk about, but not sort of go too far away from your father. He loved me. He didn't want to lose me. But nevertheless, just after one day, no, you go.

## Teaching point

Love lets go; and gratitude for the years you had makes loss bearable.

## Reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

His father first refused to let him aim for Cambridge, afraid of losing his son from his world. Then one day he said: no, you go. He died when Ajahn Brahm was sixteen. Sixteen years was all they had, and Ajahn Brahm is grateful for every one. When you lose someone, count the years you were given.

## Source

- [Building Resilience | Ajahn Brahm | 8 November 2019](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_znbRN8JRXw) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 15:10 to 17:14: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_znbRN8JRXw&t=910s

Other tellings of this story:

- [Interview: Tough Questions for Ajahn Brahm | 06 Nov 2017](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fq-nVhcn-dM) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 48:16 to 48:49: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fq-nVhcn-dM&t=2896s