# Seven years to change a violent husband

- Teacher: Ajahn Brahm
- Type: Story
- URL: https://beingmindfulstories.com/stories/brahm-abused-wife-seven-years
- Themes: domestic violence, transformation, seeing the good, positive reinforcement, marriage
- Life situations: domestic abuse, difficult marriage, hoping a partner will change

## Synopsis (editorial summary)

About twenty years ago a woman thanks the monks for saving her life. For seven years she had come to the centre only to get away from a husband who beat her regularly — every minute there was a minute she wasn't being hit. What she heard was to look for the beauty in others. So whenever her husband did something reasonable or kind, she hugged and kissed him and thanked him, reinforcing that tiny shimmer of goodness. It took seven years, but he changed; she brought him to meet Ajahn Brahm — a kind man now — and showed him her two children.

## The story, as told by Ajahn Brahm (verbatim captions)

But another way is there was a lady who came here many years ago. I mentioned this story in the "Opening the Door of your Heart". Amazing lady, she came up to me once and said "I wanna thank you for saving our lives for all the talks given over the last several years have changed my life and my husband's life all around. Her story was that her husband was very abusive to her. Domestic abuse; this is about 25 years ago. And in those days, many women would just take in and they wouldn't go to the social services to get help. I don't know if there was that help around at the time anyway. So she told us she came to this centre over here not because she was a Buddhist just as a place she could escape to for a couple of hours. where she knew she won't be hit. Brilliant, she only told me about this at the very end. But she said what she heard here was this wonderful positive forgiveness. Not just forgiveness because that's not enough So the positive part of it was whenever her partner behaved appropriately, kindly, softly then she would just go out to him give him hugs and kisses. Whenever he was abusive, I don't advice this at all She was an amazing lady. She would just take it. She said it took her seven years to turn that man totally around. She never gave any feedback to the abuse. She only gave feedback to the kindness. Little by little by not giving feedback to abuse, it just diminished. By giving positive feedback to the kindness - it grew

## Teaching point

What you see in others is what they show you back; reinforcing goodness can transform even very bad behaviour.

## Reflection (in the spirit of Ajahn Brahm's talk)

A woman told how, over seven years, she answered her violent husband's rare kindness with warmth until he changed. Ajahn Brahm admires her and says he'd have called the police had he known. He doesn't recommend staying. If you're being hurt, please seek safety and help. In safer relationships, notice and encourage the good.

## Source

- ['Out of Control' | by Ajahn Brahm](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEnU5BBr_7Y) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 56:23 to 58:08: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yEnU5BBr_7Y&t=3383s

Other tellings of this story:

- [Develop Your Heart | Ajahn Brahm | 2 Dec 2016](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqwCXGkmSy0) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 35:21 to 40:14: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqwCXGkmSy0&t=2121s
- [The Dangers of Fear | Ajahn Brahm | 4 November 2022](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9QrmkzlBgE) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 36:49 to 40:45: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L9QrmkzlBgE&t=2209s
- [Dealing With Difficult People | Ajahn Brahm | 09-07-2010](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSQI1e8D3Qo) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 24:17 to 28:52: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSQI1e8D3Qo&t=1457s
- [Gratitude and Expectations | Ajahn Brahm | 9 July 2021](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzT3W1jjTYY) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 53:49 to 54:35: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzT3W1jjTYY&t=3229s
- [Importance of Having Fun and Joy | Ajahn Brahm | 15 May 2020](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjP9CXZEuv0) (Buddhist Society of Western Australia) — watch from 19:53 to 20:22: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjP9CXZEuv0&t=1193s